Detachment is recommended in 12 step groups to stop codependent behaviors that are not only damaging to yourself but the other person as well.
The next time you are at an airport, look around. People are carrying their own bags and baggage. You don’t see someone roaming around hands free followed by one person struggling under the weight of ten suitcases. That is because we are supposed to carry our own weight, bear our responsibilities. However, this gets confused with leaving, neglect or behaving in an angry or hateful manner, saying no to each and every request made of you.
Look around again. You will still see everyone carrying baggage but notice the young man is carrying several bags, while his young wife carries the infant and piggybacks the toddler. Another young man is pushing an elder in a wheelchair and towing her suitcase behind them while her carryon sits in her lap.
So, detachment is none of those negative things. It is simply letting your partner at the airport of life carry their suitcase while you carry yours. It does not mean you can’t help, but it does mean you are not the “beast of burden” for another capable human being.
But how do you do that?
When you have a loved person in your life who is drinking themselves to death, using drugs, losing their job, destroying the family… How are you supposed to detach and allow these things to happen? How are you supposed to not help? What if this person is your spouse or child?
How can you back up and allow them to struggle under the weight of this suitcase?
From: Detachment, 10 Steps to Freedom by Alana K. Haase
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