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Most of what comes out of a teenaged mouth is not exactly what you want to hear.
But one thing you can count on is that they tell the truth as they see it. And when they do they do not care about hurting your feelings.

I have explored the phenomena of unpaid child support and its effect on the unsupported for years. My interest started with my own personal situation and the decree that gave me access to this unspoken of world that is more heavily populated than you can image.

I wrote about this incident in a previous blog, where out of the blue my daughter said, “I know my dad does not love me, but does his refusal to pay child support mean he doesn’t care about me at all?”

After several minutes of trying to think of something positive to say to this 14-year-old with big blue eyes full of tears I blurted out, “you need to write that down in your journal and talk to Ms. R. about it!”

I mean what the hell do you say to something like that?

How can I put a positive spin on it and defend a man she knows plunged us into a dire financial situation? I can hear the hater’s now- “You should not have discussed finances with a child! You should never badmouth your child’s father! It’s YOUR fault.”

Oh, shut up already! You think I don’t know those things? I learned many years prior to this incident not to badmouth him. No matter what.

But if you think the older kids don’t know why you work two jobs, why they can’t have the yearbook , why they had to give up a beloved sport or why they can’t go to camp this summer you are kidding yourself. They SEE, and they KNOW what is going on.

So, I asked some single parents if I could ask their older teens some questions r/t the subject of divorce, how life changed and in what way? If they mentioned money, THEN I would ask them how they felt about unpaid child support.

This is where it got very emotional for me.

As Jedi Master Yoda says, “Truly wonderful, the mind of a child is!”

These older kids had no problem expressing themselves… With the use of pseudonyms to protect their privacy I’ll let them speak for themselves.

The gentleman up first is an 18-year-old about to graduate from high school. He had plenty to say and wanted me to use his real name. However, I am going to call him Luke Skywalker.

Luke informed me that Taekwondo was his “thing” he dreamed of going further and exploring other martial arts till his Dad took off and that was no longer in the budget. He also works after school and gives his paycheck to help maintain a small household that is now just him and his mother. He would not have gotten the yearbook for his senior year had his grandmother not paid for it…

The anger Luke feels is palpable like a heat wave… and after we talked he wrote a poem/essay that ended up being published in his school newspaper.

I’ve edited for space but here is:

Father or Farther?
As a man he was active duty, but as a father he never did his duty. He would go over and fight for them, but never sent a card or even bother to call leaving me and my mother to wonder if he would come home at all.
He would look at me with annoyance or anger, the next ask me how my day is or how I am doing. That all stopped years ago.
Now after years of no contact he decided to call after I was in an accident. I still wonder why it takes a traumatic experience to get someone to realize what they are losing. He decided that getting remarried was more important, so important that he would rather go to Vegas than pay his child support.
He decided that his child does not need any help with money and that my mother and I are obsolete and unimportant. He must think that having to get a job, so my mom and I don’t end up on the street is a fun thing to do, well I don’t. As a matter of fact, I think it really sucks. Having a job but not getting to use your own paycheck on something you want but instead on something he should be helping with is an amazing feat.
I bet he thinks its funny that my mother’s struggling while he is striving. I bet that he just loves not getting punished for owing more than $47K for child support. My so-called father is a sorry excuse for a man and that’s all I have to say about what he does. My mother and I struggle all the time. He has no problem blowing us off as long as there is no fine. That’s at least what he thinks, it’s to late this time.

Wow… do you have blisters from the heat of that anger? And it all started with a young boy who was afraid his father wasn’t coming back… and then was abandoned.

Luke listen to Master Yoda:
“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger-anger leads to hate-hate leads to suffering….”

Another youngling who is perilously close to the Dark Side is Qui-Gon Jinn. He is now 20 and I asked him the same questions and he had nothing to say until I said,  “if he came back to make amends would you give him a chance?” (The father is a known alcoholic who has been gone for years)

Jinn suddenly had plenty to say, “I don’t want to hear that bullshit! It’s NOT a disease- it’s a choice. I make choices everyday and I don’t choose to run off drunk! I could get F-d up any time I wanted but I don’t! I choose to stay here and take care of my responsibilities!”

Again, the anger was as palpable as getting tazed…

Next, I spoke with two young Storm Troopers, brothers in arms, ages 17 and 15, living 50/50 between an Imperial Cruiser and a rather ragged Rebellion Camp. They are not as angry, but tired and seem very irritated.

Trooper 17 described how humiliating his biweekly orthodontist appointments were because his dad would always refuse to pay the co-pay. Schmoozing and charming the receptionist until she agreed to let it go till next visit. Then the next visit with Mom, the receptionist would turn into Jabba the Hut, demanding payment for the previous visit and this one as well or no visit. Trooper 17 did not know that out of pocket medical expenses were to be split 50/50 as well, but he did know that his dad was pulling one over on his mom and he was embarrassed and angry. Storm Trooper 15 related how he was sick of his dad picking on his mom every week at switch time and that he just wanted one peaceful place.

Hmmm. Maybe it should be about the children’s rights instead of the parents? Just a random thought.

I had to wonder if females exhibited the anger and irritation of the boys, so I got permission to interview Princess Lia. A delightful young lady of 16, with a strong sense of social justice. She thoughtfully listened to my questions and asked me if she could think about it and send me an email when she was ready.

Last week this dropped into my inbox:     (again, edited for space considerations)

“Over the years I have matured accompanied by the persistent absence of my father. I have become more  aware of the situation my family is in due to his selfishness. I have witnessed time and again my family go without basic things we needed. We have been forced to give things up, to move, to suffer. All because of my father and his refusal to pay child support regardless of the consequences or pain inflicted.
But he isn’t entirely to blame. The state governments in charge of enforcing child support and the ineffective procedures enable countless parents like my father to neglect their children financially.
I have give up things I loved like gymnastics because we couldn’t afford it anymore. I’ve given up music because we couldn’t afford that either. Vacations, school trips, my own room, clubs. I have missed out on many opportunities due to someone else’s selfishness.
But the worst loss of all hasn’t been any of those things. Not a material object or even money. It’s been my family. All hopes of having a normal family with two loving and supportive parents has been stripped away from me. When my father left so did the life and family I was accustomed to and it will never be the same again. This loss is the one I’m most hurt, most bitter over… Everything else on top of that is like squeezing lemon juice in an open wound, left by my father.”

I can promise you I did not expect that and I cried for this tender young lady and her battered heart.

I covered in a previous blog post that the Department of Health and Human Services lists poverty as a serious problem affecting youth. The ACES Study available on CDC.gov shows the direct correlation between adverse childhood experiences and low life potential and poor health.

Childhood poverty or financial strain is NO LAUGHING MATTER.

Legal Dictionary, WebMD and FEDERAL LAW all define “child abuse” as an act or FAILURE TO ACT and not paying your child support is certainly a failure to act leading to a risk of harm to that child.

http://alanakhaase.com/society/is-non-payment-of-child-support-child-abuse/

In the United States today the Federal Office of Child Support Enforcement shows over 11 million cases owed arrears—each “case” is at least one child, often 2 or more. These children are owed over $116 billion dollars in back child support.

Think about that.

Do we really need over 11 million more hurt, lonely, and very ANGRY young people in America?

No one is stupid enough to believe every family is the Cleaver’s, or that 2.5 children are going to have 1.8 dogs and a white picket fence, but I DO Believe that in the United States of America we can do better by our children.

I believe that we CAN enforce the laws pertaining to child support—if we WANTED TO.
If we don’t, a legion of angry kids are becoming angry adults.

Yoda says, “Do. Or do not. There is no try.”